Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JimmerThatisAll

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@AndyAsAdjective

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

@DanHofer

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@ArfMeasures

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…