People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.