I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.