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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days