There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Shower sex be like:
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
can you read it!!??
maan!
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.