The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Festive toon…
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Body by sandwich.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so