My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Seems legit