China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster