Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The news
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.