Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
broke down and did it
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”