My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
anyone else like Italian cereal
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
You got this…
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off