When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
it is time once again
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.