Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen