I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.