Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
i鈥檓 not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn鈥檛 have gave it to me
God: you鈥檙e a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it鈥檚 the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren鈥檛 supposed to see that.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let鈥檚 see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
one of
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
John Hammond: We鈥檝e got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there鈥檚 no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he鈥檚 so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.