Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”