why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Bring back the McRib
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.