I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Human are so complicated
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.