If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-