You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.