You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.