Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me buying fruit and veg