For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days