I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”