Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*