Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
found my next D&D character name
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.