I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt