I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??