Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.