Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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all that yoga finally paid off
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I feel attacked.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy