captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*