Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes