The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
went fishing caught a bass
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.