Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?