me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.