Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
any last words?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Yup!
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class