a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer