I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My blood type is b hungry.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.