My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”