My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend![]()
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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.![]()
Dammit Chief not again
![]()
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*