My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.