If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?