Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
This sounds bad:
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
my sentiments exactly
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.