@capnwatsisname
@Just__J0 Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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@Just__J0 
@WheelTod I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
@chuuew ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
@XplodingUnicorn Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
@MomofTeen Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
@PaperWash me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
@ArianFoster The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
@BobGolen Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
@Dad_At_Law 10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
@backporchlady My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.