Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.


I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.


ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.


Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.


Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.


me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped


Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.


10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.


My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.