I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
this is how life feels
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.