I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today