Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.