Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”