I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Oceanography is all about current events
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald