You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My favorite female superhero
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.