Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
*mops up wine with cat*
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Haha good job!!
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*