If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!