How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I don’t hate children, just yours.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”