When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Love is in the air fryer.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in